She Knew Not That It Was Jesus

John 20:14 -15

And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.

Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.

Mary broken and afraid, had gone to the grave to tend to the body of her Lord. He was DEAD! She saw him die. She watched his lifeless body lowered from a bloody cross and laid in a tomb. I imagine on this morning as she walked slowly, head dropped down, shoulders slumped, tears streaming down her face that she was steeling herself for the task ahead. 

She would anoint his body with oils. She would do this one last thing for the man who had changed her life so drastically. It had been three days, three horribly long days of doubt, grief, and fear. What would happen now? What were they supposed to do? How would they carry on without him? She might have stumbled under the weight that she carried in her heart and in her spirit. Loaded down with herbs and oils, headed into the graveyard, certain that life would never again be the same. 

And then she came upon his EMPTY grave. But instead of seeing promise, instead of seeing scripture fulfilled she saw emptiness. She was expecting to see the dead body of her promise and didn’t realize  that what she saw was HER PROMISE! He had promised to rise again, he had promised to return to them, he had promised that not even death would keep him from them. And yet she could not see it. She was so focused on the pain and the fear that she missed the MIRACLE! 

Her explanation was that someone had somehow taken him in the night. And hid him. She could not fathom that an empty grave meant a RISEN GOD! She only saw the trial and could not even begin to comprehend the testimony. 

And when Jesus, himself, stood before her she could not allow her mind nor her heart to dare believe that it was him. It was not until he spoke her name that she KNEW that the one she loved with all her soul, had conquered death, hell and the grave for HER!  

I have many times in my life wished that I could have been there that morning. I pride myself in thinking that I would have understood, that I would have realized what was happening. That I would have shouted and praised God standing outside that empty tomb. And yet, I know that I am only fooling myself.  I would have been just like Mary! I would have doubted him. I would have missed the miracle too. 

And I know this because I do it EVERY! SINGLE! DAY! Every time I face a trial, an empty grave, in my life. I doubt that God can save me from it. I doubt that God will deliver me from pain, and fear, and death. I do not see the miracle, I miss the fact that the battle is over, the victory won. How many times in my life have a stood in utter despair, tears streaming down my face, heart ripped open and asked “WHERE? IS? GOD?” 

Only to find out, when he whispers my name, that he was there all along. Birthing my promise, performing miracles, resurrecting my life out of the ashes of sin and despair. And I had failed to see him, failed to recognize his nail scared hands in my life doing what only he can do. 

Just like that day some two thousand years ago, just like Mary, I stand before empty graves and fail to see PROMISE until he whispers my name and then I know that NOTHING will keep me from HIM!

Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)

He is my Provider.

Food, shelter, clothing, everything material that I have comes from God.

My children, my husband, my family and friends all were provided from the hand of God.

But he PROVIDES me with so much more than cars and houses, purses and shoes.

HE provides me

PEACE in the storm

LIGHT in the darkness

STRENGTH in the battle

COMFORT in the valley

GRACE in my sin

Abraham called him Jehovah Jireh because he provided a ram that saved his son's life.

I call him Jehovah Jireh because he provided a lamb that saved my life!

I Sit Still in the House

John 11:20 Then Martha, as soon she heard that Jesus was coming, went and met him: but Mary sat still in the house.

Martha and Mary had buried their brother, Lazarus. They had called on Jesus to come and heal him while he was sick and Jesus did not come. Now Lazarus was dead and the sisters were in mourning.
It had been 4 days since they had placed their beloved brother in the tomb and NOW Jesus arrives.

Martha goes out to met him (God love her). But not Mary! Mary sat still in the house!

I can see her in my mind’s eye. Arms crossed, sitting in a chair, looking out the window, scowl on her face! I can hear the thoughts running through her head. Well, thanks for coming Jesus, but you are TOO late. I'm so glad that you could work us into your busy schedule but Lazarus is dead and there is nothing you can do NOW! I can feel the hurt in her heart. The feeling of betrayal, distrust, unbelievable sorrow and pain. This was not the way it was supposed to be. This is not how the story should have ended.

Mary sat pouting!

And when I look at this Mary in my mind’s eye, I am startled that she looks just like me! Right down to the tightly pursed lips and the angry eyes! This was not the ending I signed up for. This is the not the story I wanted written of my life. I had called out to Jesus long before the problem was unsolvable! I had given him plenty of time to get to where I was and fix what I needed fixed! And He didn't come! And now it's too late! Now there is nothing he can do! And NOW I POUT! Cause I didn't get my way!

I sit still in the house!

Arms crossed, scowl on my face. Telling God that he is too late to help, that there is nothing he can do NOW! I let my feelings of betrayal and hurt rush over me again and again. I sit still in the house and I POUT!

And while Mary is sitting in the house, Jesus calls for her! He sends Martha back to get her. He opens up the door for her to come to him. He won't push himself into her life by going into the house to get her but he makes sure she knows he is waiting for her to come. He knows she is hurt. He knows she feels betrayed. And He knows she is pouting! And so he calls for her and then he waits for her to come. He is not going to the grave without her. He is not going to let her miss out on her miracle. He calls for her and then he waits.

He does the same with me! He knows I am pouting. He knows how I feel. So he calls for me and then he waits.

He waits to see if I will be like Mary and swallow my pride. If I will come to him and fall down at his feet. If I will stop pouting and start walking. If I will leave my rocking chair of doubt and come out of the house. He waits to see which I love more, my shattered dreams or Him! Which do I want more, the things I cannot have or Him.

And if I choose Him, he walks with me to the grave, where I have buried my dreams, my hopes, my love. And he calls forth LIFE! No, perhaps not the life that I wanted or planned but a NEW life. A BETTER life. The LIFE he wants me to have.

I can no longer sit still in the house. My miracle is coming. The grave is bursting with NEW life and Jesus is waiting!

Even the Perfect Parent Failed!

What characteristics would you list for a perfect parent?

Spends time with their child every day. Talking and conversing.

Meets the many needs of their child every single day. Physical, spiritual, emotional.

Provide for their child every day. Food, shelter, even a few little extras to make life fun and enjoyable.

Sets rules and guidelines for their child to follow. To protect them, to give them boundaries, to show them they are loved.

You would think that a parent who did ALL of these things EVERY day would raise wonderful, loving, obedient children who honored their parents and loved and respected them right? WRONG!

God was that perfect parent to Adam and Eve (and every living human being since).

The Bible says that God walked with Adam in the cool of the day.
We know that God met every need Adam had and provided him a paradise in which to live.
We know that he created Eve so that Adam would have a helpmeet.
We know that God gave Adam every tree (except one) to eat from.
And we know that God set up limits and boundaries in Adam and Eve's lives to protect them from pain and death (Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil).
We know that God loved them with all that he had and that he gave and showed his love to them in every way possible.

And we know that he FAILED to raise perfect children. Adam and Eve were disobedient, willful, untruthful, and played the blame game at the first sign of trouble. They brought sin and death into the world. Adam and Eve had the perfect parent, they wanted for nothing and yet their FREE WILL led them astray.

My husband and I pour into our children everyday! We give them all that we can. We give them our time, we give them all that they need and a lot of what they desire, We are in no way perfect or even average! We make lots of mistakes (LOTS) and we stumble and fall.

And there are days that I KNOW I am messing up these kids in the worst way possible. And there are days I KNOW that I am one (just one) mistake away from them hating me and walking out the door the day they turn 18 and NEVER looking back! But then there are days when my oldest comes over and sits by me on the couch, puts his head on my shoulder and says, "Your the best Mommy (yep, he still calls me Mommy) ever!"

I watch my children worship in church, give all that they have to God, spend hours and hours memorizing scripture and I think to myself okay I must be doing a pretty good job at this whole parenting thing!

And then I stop in my tracks and realize that it's not ME! IT'S HIM! It's the perfect parent, loving them through me, through my faults and through my failures. It's HIS love that wins them over. It's HIS blood that covers over my mistakes and lets them see and feel REAL LOVE! It's HIS reaching arms, and loving heart that draws them close to my feeble mistake ridden heart.

HE IS THE PERFECT PARENT! Loving imperfect children through even more imperfect parents and drawing and leading us all to a PERFECT CROSS where PERFECT LOVE gave ALL!

Do They Want What I Have

Our conduct has a direct influence on how people think about the gospel. The world doesn't judge us by our theology; the world judges us by our behavior. People don't necessarily want to know what we believe about the Bible. They want to see if what we believe makes a difference in our lives. Our actions either bring glory to God or misrepresent His truth.”
~Carolyn Mahaney, Feminine Appeal

Do They Want What We Have?

I came across this quote the other day as I was surfing the blogsphere and it stirred something in me. It made me question my life and the way I live it. Do I live a life that would make others STOP and think "What ever she has, that is what I want!"

I am not talking about the THINGS that I have like a new house, a new car, or Disney tickets. I am talking about the way my husband and I treat each other, the way my children act, the way I conduct myself both in and out of my house. Will others see something IN me that will make them STOP and wonder what I have in my life that makes me different.

I have very strong beliefs and convictions about the way I dress. My family and I dress VERY modestly and plainly. I believe that most people when they see my family and I out they look at us and know that we are religious (at least I hope they do). But lately, I have been thinking what good does that do? If along with my modest dress they see a scowl on my face, or (blush) if I have just raised my voice at my husband or children. What good does it do if my heart does not match my dress. If I look like a child of God but act like the devil himself.

Now, in no way am I saying that I am going to stop dressing the way I do, what I am saying is I want my heart to match my dress. It is so EASY for me to get up everyday and put on a long skirt, and leave my nasty dirty heart just the way it is. How nice that I look the picture of modesty and yet my husband longs for a Biblical Wife that will respect him and his God given place in this family.

Believe me when I tell you that NO ONE has seen me on one of those days when I'm yelling at the children, rolling my eyes at my husband, scowling and stomping around the world and said "WOW, whatever she has, that's what I want!". On those days I don't want it either!

But there have been days (oh blessed days) when strangers have walked up to our table at restaurants and commented on how well behaved our children are, or how we are the picture perfect family. I have been called June Cleaver, Betty Homemaker, and Mrs. Christmas. Those days my heart swells, my smile widens and I KNOW that they are seeing JESUS in me!

I didn't have to tell them, I didn't have to wear a shirt or a button that says "I Know Jesus, Ask Me How You Can Too!" They saw HIM! In my patience, in my demeanor. They heard him in my laughter, in my quiet and gentle tone. They watched him clean up a spill for the waitress, smile at the woman with the screaming baby that everyone else was scowling at. And my prayer is that when they walked over to our table they FELT HIS sweet sweet spirit at work in our lives. And that as they walked away they said, "WOW, whatever they have, that is what I want!"  

31 Days to Clean - Day 2

On day 2 of 31 Days to Clean, Sarah Mae says that women are LIFE-GIVERS! She goes on to say that

"Life-giving, in its most basic sense, is raising life above the level of mere existence."

This is so very true. I know as a wife and mother, I do not want my husband and children to merely exist. I want them to THRIVE! I want them to live out their dreams, to pursue greatness, and to find joy in becoming who God created them to be.

After the birth of each of my children, I did not sit back, put my feet up and tell myself that I had done a great job and now I could relax. Nope, I knew that the REAL work had just begun.

Life-giving does not begin and end in the delivery room. Every day I must make the decision, a conscious effort to pour into my children, my husband, my family and my friends. Some days, I must pour into them more than I get back from them. Some days I must give more than I think I have to give! And on those days I must go to GOD, the True Life-Giver, and let him pour into me (more than he gets back) so that I in turn can pour into those around me! 

Today's Challenge: CLEAN OUT AND SCRUB DOWN THE REFRIGERATOR AND FREEZER

I will post an update later today of my clean and organized refrigerator and freezer!

31 Days to Clean - Day 1

Our front door

On Day 1 of 31 Days to Clean Sarah Mae asks 

"Why do you want a clean home?"

And all kinds of reasons came to my mind, 

so that others don't judge me 
so that I can open up my home to family and friends and not be embarrassed 
so that the voices in my head that tell me I'm not enough will be quiet 
so that I am not ashamed when people stop by unannounced 

And as I ran through this list I realized something...

these reasons have always been my reasons and obviously they are not enough because hear I sit in a house that is far from clean! And I had an epiphany, fear and embarrassment DO NOT motivate me. They actually make me less motivated in the fact that they remind me that I will NEVER be able to do it all. 

So I realized I needed to come up with much better reasons to keep my home clean. And I realized that while fear and embarrassment do not motivate me, LOVE for my children and my husband DOES! And when I looked at keeping my home clean through the eyes of a mother and wife here are the reasons I came up!

Why Do I want a clean home?

I want to create a place that Micah and the children want to be! I want our home to be a safe haven from the world outside our door. I want this home to be a place of comfort and calm for them. A beautiful place that makes them happy and lets them see God’s hand in their life. From the minute they walk in the door I want them to feel, know, and see the love that I have for them and breathe a sigh of relief in their soul that they are “HOME”!